The Neverending Story

Life is a story. A journey. One that never ends. We all have a beginning, one that was sparked into being by our Creator God. Along this journey there are many twists, turns, bumps, dips, scrapes, tears, and smiles. No one has an easy life. It isn't part of humanity, our fallen state...the chaos of sin and selfishness lead to pain and sorrow and the Cross of Christ points to joy everlasting and peace that surpasses understanding. I am so thankful for that. So, after cancer when my blood pressure meds quit working and were making my heartrate stay so low I could barely go to the basement and back up without feeling like I had just climbed Everest I had to see a cardiologist. I have been lamenting my weight since it became a problem around puberty. He told me let's get past breast cancer then you need to focus on your weight. One battle at a time. We came out on the other side weighing the same. He then told me it was time. Six months later after being forced into menopause by chemo I still weighed the same and his kind demeanor shifted slightly to that of serious scolding. The underlying message was, you have two beautiful children that need you, you just dodged the cancer bullet...are you going to let obesity take you out? I left his office knowing I had six months to get a plan in motion. Amazing how fast six months goes. I had been trolling the Trim Healthy Mama facebook page for months. Seeing their posts, their struggles, their victories. All totally normal mamas. My closest friend here moved out of state and her struggle with weight is real too. She was at the end of her rope as I was just finding the beginning of a new rope...one that I thought I could finally maintain a hold on...Trim Healthy Mama (THM). I told her about it and suggested we do this together long distance. She said she would think about it. The next day someone else told her about it. She said, let's do this thing. I cancelled my dr appointment to give myself a little more time before I had to see him to see if I could make a dent, thinking in 4 months I should have some noteable progress and he will be pleased. I borrowed the THM cookbook from a friend because I had it in my mind that all of the recipes called for unusual and special ingredients. To my delight they have tons of recipes marked NSI...No Special Ingredients. I chose a handful and fixed them for the family, who gave them their stamp of approval. I bought the cookbook and the plan book and began to dabble in it over the holidays committing to do a hard start on Jan. 1. In two weeks I lost five pounds just fooling around and in another two weeks committed I have lost another five pounds. Ten pounds in just under a month. Hey, I will take that. I have lost 4 inches off my belly and another 3 off my chest...but because of my reconstruction, that is really back fat! Listen...i will most defintely take THAT! I am no where near where I need to be...but I am ten pounds closer. I am not near as tired as I was and the pain in my feet brought on by chemo and age has decreased significantly. I am back in my pre chemo jeans and my post chemo jeans have turned into work jeans bc they are so baggy they are ridiculous. This is just a glimpse from where I currently stand on this journey. I hope to blog about how I arrived here and share glimpses of what I can see in the distance. I feel like I have finally found a lifestyle of eating I can live with, that makes sense, that is reasonable and doable. It isn't painful. I am not hungry. Yes there is sacrifice, but it is not harsh. No food police. Only freedom. It's for freedoom that we have been set free!

grace!

Well, i am 2/3 done with chemo now. this past treatment was managed better by far. im learning to ask what i can do rather than waiting to be told. im gleaning info from other people in the infusion field and other women who are further along in the journey. simple things like starting dulcolax the day before, taking a benadryl the morning of, having diaper rash cream in place before the rash starts. knowing on day three i need to start immodium. all things that help you stay out ahead of the speeding locomotive of chemo. paying attention to what happens each time. misery can be mild, it doesnt have to be excruciating. so many of my friends have come alongside me as i crumple...hangin with my kids, letting me be at their house sick so i dont have to be alone, bringing meals, and just loving on me. if i have learned anything from chemo it is humilty and being able to laugh at our weakness. that grace abounds where there is weakness! a friend texted me today and asked about my soul in the midst of this...how my relationship with jesus is going. oh. in the beginning i buried myself in the hope. i sat for hours in the prayer room. i was feeling ok and just focused. then chemo started and my weak body was attacked. the exhaustion, the nausea, the bowels. then the next round i was literally pumped full of steroids so add to it a shortened fuse, feeling spent as little people just want normalcy. not being able to have privacy in the bathroom. snapping at the people you love most and feeling bad and out of control bc your body has been bombarded by poison that is aimed to help you. it is so frustrating. i echo the words of Paul, i do that which i do not wish to do! and i don't do that which i wish! but grace! to remember that we are but dust. we are frail and fragile. we are weak! God knows we are weak! thats why he provided a way to overcome! Christ is our way! he gave us his strength! he overcame frailty so we could overcome frailty! im thankful for a Savior that loves me abundantly when i lack. he doesnt excuse my weakness...he redeems it and overcomes it. its one of the reasons he is trustworthy. i can lean on him as i go through and come out of this wilderness and know his strength is more than enough to carry my sweet family through this. this body is weak, in many ways i feel held captive...but HIS Spirit within me is so strong and therefore i know that ultimately im free. not only is that grace amazing...it is sufficient. overcoming....one step at a time.

half way to where?

So, three down, three to go. those of you following me on facebook know this. i must confess, it annoys me when people say im half way done. bc im not half done. not even close. i mean, yes...the chemo is half done. and THAT isnt even encouraging. the first round i was just super tired and nauseous in the mornings. the second round i had a huge reaction to taxotere and they gave me a second dose of steroids which resulted in me bleeding for eight days. this wasnt like my period or after i had babies...take those and intensify it by about 100 and add nausea, constipation, hemmoroids, diarrhea and rage. yep. round three we changed up the chemo order, i reacted mildly, but then continued to react for a few days. then i caught some virus that no one else had and was puking, diarrhea, constipation, dehydration, stomach cramps, fluids for three days, and i involuntarily pooped my pants in public. so...what can i expect after round 4? round 5? how about round 6??? so...telling me im half way there is a little terrifying. and half way to where?? zero dignity? oy! also, after chemo is done surgery happens...and THAT my friends is a little scary! but on much happier terrain...we bought a house. on a thursday, after chemo round 3 i came home and chris went to look at yet ANOTHER house. i was tired and he is so picky! so after an 8 hr day at the cancer center, i came home. i got a call as we were finishing dinner. he told me, THIS is THE house. im making an offer tonight. so i loaded up the girls and drove over. even in the exhausted fog of chemo, i agreed, this was our home. we made an offer and found out that there was already an accepted offer that was contingent on the people making the offer selling their home in another state. so, the buyer accepted our offer and by law the first bid had 72 hrs to prove that they could finance the house or withdraw their offer. we got a call on Saturday morning that they withdrew their offer and ours was accepted and we could move forward. we went back to the house to look at it in the daylight and solidify the reality of it. woo hoo! i loved it even more in the non chemo fog! :-) so the bank loan officer doesnt foresee any issues and we are scheduled to close on march 3. which is five days after my fifth round of chemo. oy. this house is perfect! three bedrooms...master, girls' room, playroom. huge living room with a wood burning stove fireplace insert...more heat than a regular fireplace. another area for a home office and my sewing machine. the kitchen is mammoth compared to my kitchen now! counter space galore! sliding glass doors out to a deck and a flat backyard! there is a partially finished basement...the laundry area is in a huge room we will make into the guest room and homeschool room. there is another room for chris...his mancave/jam room. it has been fitted for a stove pipe for a wood burning stove. and there is a rec area with a pool table! chris LOVES pool! oh...and did i mention the chest freezer they are leaving behind? sweet! im a big fan of freezer meals and plan to put several in there for the months to come after surgery and during the months with the expander before final reconstruction. my freezer meal board on pinterest is gonna get wore out!! :-) so as you can see...in the midst of adversity...God is pouring out his goodness on us. in the midst of uncertainty...he is answering the cry of our heart for a home. in the midst of shakey circumstances...he is giving us favor. so...even though im not real certain i am at the half way mark and i dont know what will happen after each of the chemo rounds to come...i know God doesnt change and he is with me every step of the way.

A-Team on their A-Game!

We just got back from the mile high city, Denver. A week ago we had our appointment with the local oncologist who referred us to Denver to see the breast cancer specialists. He isn't a specialist and just felt like we would get the best care down there. More of God's hand at work...Denver usually runs about 3 weeks out for appointments. So, on Friday I called our cancer center and asked if they had called Denver, they had, but had not heard back. I told them I really would like some word as the weekend was upon us and then the holiday. A few hours later I got home from running around with the girls and Chris told me that they called and scheduled me for that Tues (in just four days!). I had to sort of scurry around bc I already had a chest ct scan scheduled and our Denver friends would be out of town for Thanksgiving. I called to see if we couldn't make it Tues, when was the next appt? not til after Dec 17. Ok...so we took the Tues appt (Nov. 28). I gotta tell you...I can feel these tumors growing. I can feel them inside of me without touching them. And within the last few days, you can see them from the outside. If you didn't know you were looking for them, maybe you couldn't...but the specialist could see them from the outside before she laid a hand on me! It's getting serious folks! Ok...so my main concern was the girls. We wouldn't have anyone there to watch them and we just weren't comfortable leaving them back home for two nights. So I began to pray about finding someone to go along with us. Tried a home school girl from church...no dice. Wasn't sure who else to ask bc all of my friends have kids or work. All I could do was pray. And make a contingency plan of dvd's, coloring books, Nabi computers, and lots and lots of snacks. Chris hurt his back pretty bad that friday and went to the Chiro on Sat morning and then Sunday decided to stay home and rest, so the girls and i went off to church. After the service, our family pastor came up to me to ask how he could pray for us. I told him the situation with the girls and Denver and he paused and said, I will come down and spend the day and then come back home. Ok people, this is a 5.5 hour drive. He assured me that this was super important and we needed to focus and it was the least he could do. So i talked to Chris about it and even tho both of us thought this was a huge sacrifice on his part and worried that we were asking too much, we took him up on his offer. He has a cousin-in-law just North of the city and drove down Monday and stayed with them and then came to the hotel. We swapped vehicles and he took the girls to the Children's Museum and to Chick-fil-a for lunch. They had the most amazing time! And i am eternally grateful! Like, seriously, i want to weep in gratitude. We tried to pay him gas money but he refused and told us that the church stepped up and wanted to pay for his gas as a way to express their love and support for us. IN-CRED-IBLE! The family of God is amazing! So, our marathon appointment. It actually started the day we left with Chris rushing off to the chiropractor for a final adjustment before we left, coming home and giving me the vehicle (did i mention his truck broke down during all of this and is in the shop??? yeah, glorious huh?) so i could rush off to my chest ct. Got that done, came home, loaded the girls and we left for Denver. We stopped a few times for Chris to stretch his back (which was killin him two hours into the trip). He was eating all kinds of anti inflammatory foods (walnuts, blueberries, 70% cacao chocolate) and we stopped at a random gas station a few hours later and he found this crazy tea...argo tea. there was a ginger one that looked like it had sawdust floating in it and he got a bottle of it. within 25 mins of drinking it he said he could feel a significant difference in his back pain! ginger is getting ready to be a staple in our house. We arrived at our hotel, which unbeknownst to us, was under construction. like, wallpaper coming off of the walls, dust, etc. this was a little annoying, but whatever. the room was nice enough even if the king sized bed was uncomfortable. the girls slept together for the first time in their lives (which resulted in a spanking the first night. haha! too much partying going on!). Mr Kurt arrived the next day and off we went to the appointment. The docs are all part of the Colorado State University Breast Center. Everyone in this dept specializes not only in breast cancer, but in breast cancer in young women and pregnant women. our entire experience there was nothing but a blessing (with the minor exception of the genetic counselor but whatever). First Doc: The main specialist...the researcher...the one driving this ship we are on. Dr. Virginia Borges (Bor-jess). She walked in...zero frills! her hair is pulled back in a knot, she has naturally curly hair, it was sorta frizzy and she actually looked like she might have overslept a tad. haha. She appears to be in her late 40's/early 50's and had a peace about her. She introduced herself as Ginger Borges (ginger...the ultimate inflammatory root! bear with me here...bc this is no coincidence. she is the root of this treatment and her entire being brought anti inflammation to the situation! God is good!!!!). we talked about my tumors, which she had some misinformation (from i don't know who!). this is how the entire process has gone, like the enemy has thrown in little wrenches here and there, and the Almighty has said NO WAY! she had information that one of the tumors was a triple negative (no estrogen, no progesterone and not her2 neu) which is the most difficult to treat! I had the pathology report in my bag! as well as a disc of my mammogram and my ct scan from the previous morning! she was very thankful!!! this changed our entire conversation! bc she was so thankful that they were both her2 neu positive...easier to treat, basic treatment, etc. so we just talked about our options and told us that the prognosis is good. that we should plan to grow old together and that she hoped to make it on the christmas card list for years to come! :) she recommends we start chemo immediately, followed by surgery and reconstruction and a year of herceptin treatments (which block the her2 gene). i told her that our surgeon appt wasn't until dec 9 and she looked at me and said, he will have to move it up. well then! haha. we are opting for the chemo that is administered every 3 wks and involves 6 treatments. so in about 18 weeks it is done. three weeks after completion, we will have a double mastectomy and start the reconstruction process. the reason we have chemo first is that this is the only way for them to tell how the cancer is responding to the chemo. what she expects is for the tumors to literally melt away, for me to be able to feel them melting! and then at the time of surgery when they send the tumors off to pathology they hope to see cancer skeleton cells...this tells them the chemo worked and we have very little concern for future occurrence. if she sees any living cells, she knows there is trouble and we keep treating, bc a tumor will return somewhere! but this is rare! but better to know before the cancer has a chance to form another tumor. they will remove the sentinal lymph node to see if the lymph system has been affected and if it has, they will do radiation. however, at the end of our appt i had another ultrasound on my armpit and the lymph nodes all looked normal and gave them no cause for concern. so they do not expect there to be cancer in the lymph nodes, but obviously we won't know for sure until after the surgery. we met with the radiation oncologist just as part of the process, the surgeon and the plastic surgeon. every one of them is dedicated to eradicating breast cancer! they were amazing. we left full of hope knowing that this will be a rough road and a painful journey, but that there is a future! a future that includes trying for more kids in two years if we want. All of the chemo will be given here, in Gillette at the cancer center but it will all be ordered and directed by Dr. Borges and overseen by our local oncologist. We will return to Denver before the surgery, which we are choosing to have done there bc it is the only way we can start the reconstruction simultaneously and we feel that the end result will be more favorable if we go with Denver. This is great bc this is at least 5 months away, which gives my parents a chance to prepare to come out and help with the girls. God is good! On our way back to the hotel I called the Gillette people and told them what the dr recommended and they got on it. I called the next day to see if they had a plan of action and they do! I had to change surgeons because the one i was scheduled to meet with couldn't move up my appt. So I meet with a different surgeon on Monday (12/2), get my port installed on Tues (12/3) and start Chemo on Thursday (12/5). This means that almost exactly a month after i first felt these tumors I am starting chemo. This is unheard of! Faster than a speeding bullet i tell you. Chris's work party is Friday and from what i hear you don't start feeling terrible til about 2 days after chemo...so we are hoping to attend! Then all my hair is going on Sat (12/7). i just can't handle the fact that it will fall out in big clumps! that is too much for me. the hats are in the mail and a local lady who makes hats heard that i was asking about her hats and she wanted to make me one for free! so i am ordering one and she is making me another, both crocheted! they should be done early next week...before i start chemo. Everything is falling into place. I should feel ok for Christmas day and my second chemo treatment will happen the day after christmas. the dr's orders are to get active! the plastic surgeon said if i want to use my own tissue (fat) for reconstruction i have to lose weight. too much fat isn't a good thing vascularly (is that a word? it is now haha) speaking. so i am hoping to go for a walk later this afternoon with the girls and get this party started, and if chris gets off early he can come along too. :) we will be joining the rec ctr here and our goal is to walk 3x a week...whether that be on the track or in the pool. this isn't gonna beat me. because chemo sends you into a temporary menopausal state...it means you gain weight too. uh...no way! i bought a kindle version of a cancer cookbook...kicking cancer in the kitchen! our entire life is about to change. radically! kale will become a staple. coconut water, almond milk, hemp seed, greens, nutritional yeast, juicing. no more flour, sugar, etc. this is gonna be a tough road...but i feel so loved, so supported, and the hand of God is all over this, like brown on rice ;) it's gonna be ok. so here is to one more week with hair! gonna get that pixie hair i have wanted in about 4-5 months! :) i feel like i could say so much more, but i will save it for the next post.

Let's try this again...

ok. i am a horrible blogger. i've often thought my life to be unexciting. we do the same stuff over and over and we enjoy our life, but like, who else cares right? but now life has changed. life isn't just about the pool, the library, and playdates at the park. now we have bigger blips on the radar. now instead of cruising along in life and being a slacker about devos, whining about petty things, and just being lazy...now there is a new sense of urgency in life. i remember back "in the day" i had a sense of urgency every day. but then life happens, you get tired, you slow down, you lose your urgency. days seem longer and you just press to get through them. i've posted on facebook the recent change in my life. i am gonna try to keep a little journal/sharing time in this blog. so i will share how this journey began... a week and a half ago, on nov 3 i was laying in bed reading and i decided to just do a quick breast exam. they say now that you are supposed to do exams laying down rather than in the shower standing up. so i am not like, hey on the 1st of each month i do an exam. in fact i am not really consistent, in fact my life's tagline could be "consistently inconsistent"...i do them when i think of it...usually at night while i am in bed reading and i probably do several a month (bc i can never remember the last time i did one! haha) and then maybe go a month without doing one. like i said, i am not really intentional about it...just whenever i think of it. i am also one of these people who has always struggled bc i have no idea what i am looking for. like, i have two boobs, i don't spend time feeling other boobies, and so i have no idea what a lump, tumor, mass, etc feels like. i'm not sure if i would say i could tell anyone else what to look for even now. here is what i can tell you...you are looking for changes. if you only examine your breasts once a month, you may not know if they are changing. but if you are like me and basically do a quick exam every week or so while you read, then when you feel something different...you go hmmm. and that is what i did, i went, hmmm. that seems different to me. so in typical no holds barred/not easily embarrassed moe fashion i asked chris (my husband for those of you new here)to feel my boob. he looked at me and was like, "is that your come on line?" haha. i laughed and said, seriously...feel this and tell me if you think it feels different. he did and said yes. then felt it again and said he didn't like it and i should call the dr. truth be told, i was at the end of my period and have heard that sometimes boobs change during your period...so i gave it a few days and it didn't change. so i called and the dr said i should come in. in those few days my boob got overly firm, i wouldn't say hard, but it wasn't normal. then the spots started to burn and hurt. i only told a few people. i didn't want to worry anyone. i went to MOPS on wed and hadn't decided if i was gonna share, but then i thought, man it never hurts to have more prayer. so i shared and cried bc there was a part of me that KNEW. i knew it wasn't good and i knew it wasn't "nothing" and i was actually pretty sure i was in for a bad report. i want to encourage you that if you "know" don't let people brush off your knowing. the worst that can happen is that you are wrong and you move on. i saw the dr on fri and was told that she didn't feel any "discernible masses". hmmm...really? bc they are discernible to me. but here is the deal, she doesn't know my boobs. i do. your doctor doesn't know YOUR boobs, you do. if you feel they are different, stand your ground...demand more. i didn't have to demand more of her bc she said i was at the age to start mammograms and scheduled me for one on monday. so on nov 11 i went to get a mammogram...somewhere along the line they didn't get me scheduled. i watched the nurse fax the paperwork that had my appointment on it to radiology on friday. thank God i had my paperwork. another lesson...even if the nurse tells you that if you lose the paper over the weekend, no biggie they should have the copy that was just faxed on hand...be responsible. you aren't in kindergarten. put that paper in your glove box so you won't forget it. and bring it. bc they didn't have a copy and had i just tossed it in my car, or left it on my kitchen counter i would have been in trouble! they asked me to come back and i told them no. i told them i have two small kids and i could come back with them in tow! they said they would fit me in but that i would have to wait. this is your life people! if you have done your part, then stand your ground. if you made the appointment, get seen. i told them i wasn't there for routine visit...i was there bc i was having an issue, and i needed to be seen that day! i sat in the waiting room with my book and was braced for a long morning. i texted people to pray that i get seen sooner than later! less than 15 mins later i got called back. God was on my side. the 9 o'clock didn't show up and they came and got me. she said this never happens. people never miss their mammograms. so to the forgetful lady...thank you, i hope you were able to reschedule and got a clean bill of health. i have heard horror stories about mammograms. but i gotta tell you my mammogram tech, Katie, was amazing. she was sweet. she was kind. she was professional and personable. i wasn't another boob to be scanned. she didn't make me feel uncomfortable about my weight, she was a cute skinny girl! they took all the normal pics and then the radiologist wanted more of the boob with the issues. my heart sank. she showed me the pics and i wasn't really prepared for what i saw. the right side was fine. it was glorious. in fact i thought to myself, wow! my boob looks like that of a goddess! haha. then i saw lefty. two huge white masses. i just felt a heaviness come over me. she left and came back to tell me i needed an ultrasound and walked me over. now, the ultrasound girl, she was so super sweet too! but bc my mind has reeled every time i saw her i can't remember her name at all. not for the life of me. this makes me sad as she was just wonderful too. i need to call and find out her name. she scanned and went to the dr. then told me to get dressed and i went to see dr mitchell, one of the radiologists. the viewing area was dark. i walked in and took a deep breath. he greeted me and then spent 5 mins explaining to me about these masses and couldn't (or wouldn't?) make eye contact, until he was done explaining. he used words like "worrisome", "concerned", "this resembles cancer more than a cyst". then he made eye contact and asked me if he had made himself clear and did i have questions. i looked at him and said, "you basically said you don't know what these masses are without a biopsy, they are sketchy and need to be dealt with." he said yes then explained to me my three biopsy choices. he does the aspirations, but that he didn't want to do that one bc he thought we needed a bigger sample and the dr who does the core biopsy wasn't in that day but that he thought they might be able to see me later in the week. that they send the core off to pathology and usually hear back within a day or two and then my primary would call me and we would go from there. i said ok. his final words to me were "i wish i had better news for you. im sorry." i left and then started to crumble. i deal with these things best alone! but i still had to deal with the ultrasound tech for her to call me. and i began to cry and she just hugged me and asked if i would be ok. and i said yes and left. later that day i called my dr to see if they were gonna call me or if radiology would call to set up the biopsy. the nurse told me that the radiologist who does the core biopsies was on vacation and they were waiting to hear from him. i was like, ok. the next morning i was cleaning my house to keep busy. radiology called me and asked me to come in in a few hours i said ok and got the girls to a play date and went in for blood work and the biopsy. the dr who did the biopsy was very nice and personable. again, i wasn't just another boob. we talked about my kids, my life, etc. his parting words to me were, i'm sorry you are having to go through this and i wish you the very best of luck. i asked the techs if he really was on vacation and did he come in just for my biopsy. they said yes. my heart sank more bc if this weren't serious, they would have had me come in next week when he got back from vacation. they said, his number one priority is patient care. he is all about the patient. im amazed at how tender every single person in the radiology dept was with me. everyone i dealt with knew this was serious. no one tried to sugar coat anything. no one tried to instill fear. i appreciate that. i am not a fan of false hope. in fact it makes me angry! i had one more mammogram and it was my sweet katie girl. she said to me, i have to tell you i feel like it was divine intervention with you yesterday. no one ever doesn't show up for their mammogram. and for the appointment so close to yours to be a no show is a sign that God is looking after you. the care of these people has just been a blessing. the rest of that day was long. i was exhausted. the waiting was brutal. i slept for three hours that night. i woke up the next morning and Zannah was sick. she proceeded to puke several times. at first i thought, gosh! can't i just get a break? but then thought, well at least i will be distracted. so i tended to her and kept busy. i called the dr to let them know i wanted the news, good or bad, over the phone. i just was very up front in that i know that i need to cry in private, i can't listen to any other plan of action after bad news and i am tired of running my kids all over creation and having to blow dry my hair and all that stuff. the nurse was like, ok i'll pass that word along. around 12:30 i got a call from the nurse asking me if i could come in. i said no. again...this is my life. people this is YOUR life. your dr is there to serve you (not as a slave, but as a minister of medicine!)stand your ground! i informed her i had a child who had been barfing all morning and was passed out on the couch, i think this is the one thing that made them NOT make me come in...so thank you Jesus for a sick kid! also, if my husband couldn't be with me (which he couldn't! he was working) then i wanted to be alone. i was adamant. i even said, you are giving me the results by not giving me the results! she said she would have the dr call me. less than five mins later she called. she said, are you sure you want this news over the phone? i said yes, i have a sick kid, im tired, im ready. she told me both masses show cancer and then explained to me this wasn't a death sentence. this journey was just beginning. that they don't know anything else right now. they are sending the tissue off to see if the cancer is estrogen based (which if i understand correctly if it is, then it is a stronger possibility it will spread to your reproductive zones and they may want to take out my ovaries). that i would meet with the one oncologist in town and a surgeon. they would schedule the initial appointments for me. i said ok. so our conversation was over...there were tears shed off and on during it. i called chris and cried. i texted friends, emailed those who had been praying. they called me back with my appointment times. a friend came over with eggnog latte, pumpkin bread, flowers, and hugs. a friend in MOPS was bringing dinner and a gingerbread latte. :) i had people texting me about meals and i told them there would be plenty of opportunities to bring us meals. this was just the beginning. i called my parents. my brother called me. there have been lots of questions about what kind, what stage, did they catch it early? i don't know. in fact, at this point, i know very little concerning the cancer. but what i do know is this: God is good. God is loving. Christ's leadership is trustworthy, he will never send me into a valley he isn't already in. I know that I am forgiven. I know that I am loved by my Savior. I know that we live in a fallen world and all of creation is falling apart, including my body. I know that "winning this battle" isn't physical and that THE ultimate battle, the battle over sin and death, has already been won. I know that the strength that lies within me isn't my own, but the strength of the one on the throne. i'm gonna fight this. i have a lot to live for. life is short and precious. so that is where we are today. all of this started a week and a half ago...to say it has been a whirlwind is an understatement. God seems to deal with me in compressed quick ways. i was single forever and there was only two and a half months btwn the first contact with chris and becoming his wife. i thought it would take a little bit to get pregnant and i got pregnant in an instant and within a year and a half i had two kids. we struggled financially in NC for years and within two weeks we decided to move, packed and came to WY. life is crazy. why would i think this leg of the race would be any different. so, we'll see what's in store. all this for his glory! thanks for running alongside me!

Oh my, has summer flown by or what? I know that if there were an award for the world's worst blogger...i would definitely be nominated and possibly win. This summer has been super busy. It started off sort of blah as our closest friends all went on vacation at once and we were left alone. But then we made two exciting discoveries in our town...the adventurarium (aka...the science center bc a 3 year old can say that WAY easier than "adventurarium") and the city pool. Both are free and both are totally fun! The science center has a gravity funnel, magnets, a shadow room, lots of animals (turtles, spiders, lizards, frogs, fish, parrots, ferrets, guinea pigs), skulls, music instruments, fossil digging pit and more. The girls love it. It is very easy to kill two hours there and they have nice shady grassy areas that we picnic in afterwards. We have gone there twice with our playgroup and plan to go a couple times a month. The City Pool...is AH-MAY-ZING! It is huge (for a public pool!)! It has four different swimming areas...one sorta small pool for big kids, a pool with a slide and a diving board, another separate area for kids under 4ft tall (not our favorite bc there are so many fountains you can't just play without being hit by water and the girls don't ilke that) and then another HUGE pool that goes from zero depth (shoreline) to 2.5ft. It has a big fountain that the girls call a waterfall and then several small fountains along the shore. It has a few little jet sprayers on the side of the pool an the rest of it is calm. It also has an Orca statue that has a fountain as it's blowhole. Zannah is especially fond of the Orca...a girl after my own heart. Delia is very brave and wanders clear to the other side of the pool and plays with various children, sits on the edge of the pool and talks to moms (showing them her beautiful "red shoes" haha.), and if there are any kids we know...she is right there playing with them. Zannah prefers to stay pretty close to me but is getting more brave every time we go. The pool closes at the end of next week...this is a sad thing! But the rec center has a good kiddie pool too...the only problem is that the first open swim session isn't until 1pm - hello! Naps!. So i am trying to get all of the mothers i know with toddlers to suggest that they do an open swim at 10-12 daily too. All I know is that both of my girls love the water and the rec ctr will be a great option come winter! So, we'll see. Other exciting news is that I really think we found our church. As many of you know, Delia had a very hard time at the church we thought we would settle into. Like, bizaare. I won't go into too much detail but will say our first 4x there (2 sundays, 2 monday bible studies) she did fine. Then suddenly she freaked out! Like they had to come get me. This happened every week til we had to stop going on Mondays bc she would melt down int he parking lot and never recover...to the point of nearly throwing up on herself and peeing her pants once (she had never had an accident before that). Then on Sundays the same. Chris was basically going to church alone. Then the week before Mother's Day we both looked at eachother and said that we didn't feel like going through the drama and the energy that it took out of Delia and that this church obviously wasn't the right fit. Normally Delia loves the nursery. She loves socializing and playing and makes new friends very easily. She is independent and not clingy. We decided to visit a different church we had heard about and Delia had about 2 mins of separation anxiety for the first 3x we visited and by the 4th time when we went to pick her up we were told "just a minute" and then finally when we asked her if she was staying or coming home with us we were informed that she was staying. That's my girl! We both like the pastor and the kids/family pastor. Our girls like the nursery. And the people are great. Looking forward to plugging into a community group. Another good thing is that MOPS will be meeting at our church and will be coordinated by one of the ladies i have already met. So i am looking forward to getting plugged in there too this fall. All and all Wyoming is starting to feel like home. I must be honest and say that I am already dreading winter. What with the super mild winter we had last year and the insanely hot summer we have had this year...everyone is saying we are in for a really hard winter. :( But I will do my best to live in the day that God has given me and not worry about what's to come.

Delia with magnets

Zannah and the bearded dragon that she "NEEDED" to touch

Picnic at the science center

The waterfall

Orca

sisterly love on the Orca.

Mother's Day Weekend

Mother's Day Weekend...was so beautiful! We have had a month of yucky Saturdays that have kept us inside and just bored. However, the clouds parted and Mr. Golden Sun decided to shine on us and Saturday morning we headed out for a family drive. We live about 80 miles from the Bighorn Mountains and you can see them off in the distance from our town. They look like a hologram. So, off we drove. The tallest mountain this range is Cloud Peak standing almost at 14k feet. It is hard to see bc it is almost always covered in clouds (hence it's name). But there was a lot of beauty to be seen. I am always amazed how you can drive under a hundred miles and encounter so many different landscapes. Where we live is rolling plains with a few buttes. The sky is big and the spaces are wide open! As we drove towards Buffalo it begins to dip and you can see where the water has eroded deep ruts in the earth. Then within a few miles you are in the mountains. There was still snow in many places and tons of pine trees. Near the top I commented that it looked a lot like Mordor...the mountains that Frodo and Sam (and Gollum) had to climb to get to Mordor to drop the ring. Then once you got over the mountain on the other side, it was rolling fields, high cliffs, rock formations and down into pasture land with sheep! All of this in a very short drive. I love it. I posted tons of my pictures on facebook (bc it is so much more user friendly) but will include a few from our drive here. Then on Mother's Day we went out for a brunch and then to Wal-Mart for some plants to make our apartment feel more like a home. Delia and I ate yogurt pops while Daddy did some work and we just enjoyed the nice, warm weather and being together. Someone was grillin while we were hanging our plants and I mentioned that I wanted a burger for dinner. Chris went back to Wal-Mart for an outdoor trash can and came home with a grill and burgers to cook. he put that joker together and we cooked out. Now when we sit out on our patio we have beautiful flowers hanging in pots and tomato plants as well as a grill. The hubs is too good to me. :) I am so blessed to have the little family that we do and the husband that God has blessed me with. Love them!