a fire in my soul....

so, do i dare share that i am seriously struggling in my life right now? i mean does anyone even read these posts? if the answer is no, then heck! share away nothing gained, nothing lost. if people do actually read these posts...then i fear you may think less of me. but honestly...i just don't care anymore. i have always been a fan of transparency and authenticity and i feel i haven't been either of those lately. maybe this is why i am struggling. i just feel lost. i feel out of place. i have a love hate relationship with my life. i have always wanted to be a mom and stay home with my kids. i have always had homeschooling in the back of my mind. i have always looked at large families and been in awe. there was always this idealistic notion i had when i looked at them. but maybe i was looking at it from a child's perspective...the idea of having lots of friend and buddies to play with and hang out with. sisters and brothers who i could grow up with loving and having lots in common with. this is bc most large families have a love and passion for Christ. when the duggars came on tv at first i thought, holy crap! that is one big family and they all dress like a bunch of mormons. ewwww...no thanks. but then i watched a few episodes. and i fell in love with them. but back to my struggle. i never really looked at this from a mom's point of view. the laundry, dishes, someone always needing you, never seeming to have time for Jesus, or yourself. when your alone time becomes a trip to the grocery store without kids rather than sitting in a coffee shop reading a magazine. your entire life becomes one nickelodeon episode after another rather than CSI or Law & Order. when cereal for dinner was a legitimate option rather than no option at all bc you have a hard workin man who wants a hot meal and the other two people in your family can't manage to bring a spoon with true liquid to their mouth without making a huge mess. i remember the days where i used to have a job that i loved and even when i was tired and needed a break...i felt like i was ministering to teenagers and maybe, hopefully, possibly making a difference. i remember planning retreats, beach trips, backpacking trips. now the only backpack i carry is one filled with diapers and sippy cups. i know that i am ministering to my small kids, but i don't feel like i know how. how do you share Jesus with a 2 year old? much less a 1 year old? i feel like i have lost my passion. i miss Jesus. I miss my girlfriends from back home. the ones i could cry to and tell that right now, today, at this very moment i don't know what my life is about and i wish i could disappear and none of them would judge me. they would just hug me and say it'll be ok and then we would go get a cup of coffee. that was actually HOT the entire time i sipped it. there are days i long for a big city...going to a movie theater with 24 screens, out to eat, to the mall, etc. now i live in a town with a theater with 4 screens and no theater seating. none of the coffee shops are open past 5pm unless you count mcdonalds as a potential coffee shop. the closest mall is an hour and a half away and i have no money to spend anyways. sorry for the whine fest. i just feel like all that i used to be and all that i used to do...is gone. i don't know who i am anymore it seems. i am not even sure what i like to do. i used to like movies, hanging with girls, the beach. now???? i don't know. i love my husband. i love my kids. but i need a break sometimes. i can't even take a legit bath bc our tub is so shallow that the water won't even cover my body. :( or maybe i am just too fat? probably a combination of the two. *sigh* i need a haircut...usually that solves a lot of my issues. but i don't feel like i can get the haircut i want...so why bother. i look like some overweight trailer park mom. boo hoo! and yet...i love the kisses i get in the morning from my girls. the smiles on their face when i sing to them as they wake up. i love the sense of awe and wonder they have with butterflies, ants, and wind. i love the look on their sweet faces as they pet the cat. i love watching them play nicely together. i love the look they give me when the meat dept lady takes a lobster out of the tank for them to touch, the look that asks "is this ok to touch mom?" i love when i get to laugh with my husband, who for decades i longed for. i love when the Holy Spirit gently reminds me that this is what i longed for...and i am blessed...and to just shhhhh for a minute and enjoy...don't worry about the laundry, the unmade beds, or my exhaustion. back to the duggars...michelle duggar inspires me. she makes time for the Lord, she loves Him more than anything! she is patient and kind and her children are kind and love the Lord as well. she is an example on the earth of what kind of mom and wife i yearn to be whether i have 2 kids or 22 kids (that won't happen....unless i become one of the oldest women to give birth. haha). i truly do feel caught in a whilrwind. but i am encouraged by nahum 1:3 "The LORD is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the LORD hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet." it gives me great comfort that he is slow to anger. that He is not angry at me for being such a slacker about quiet times, but that he wants me to get off my butt and seek him. that he is great in power and has it under control. and that ultimately he will have his way in this whirlwind i call my life. so i suppose as long as He is in control, i will just hang on.