Blueberry Fields Are Forever!

Today we went blueberry picking in Bryson City...about 30 mins away. I'm not sure what I expected, but since I have been strawberry picking in Plant City, FL...I expected something similar. NO WAY! This was better in most ways. Mostly bc we have a little helper that is so cute. I hope I hear her little voice for a long time in the future saying, "I coming mommy. I coming." as she tramped behind me with her bucket. she mainly helped daddy as he was able to reach the really good blueberries. she was so cute as she kept just getting the blue ones. there was a big mound of mulch off to the side and when she saw it she stopped and yelled "LOOK! LOOK! A mountain!" I said, yes...it is a mountain of mulch. :) her new thing is tell you to LOOK! at whatever it is she finds super exciting. Either a tree, a car, a bug. Zannah tagged along wanting to pick blueberries, but obviously she is inable to differentiate between the blue ones and the pinkish ones. This was a fun outing. it is nice to make sweet memories as a family.

a fire in my soul....

so, do i dare share that i am seriously struggling in my life right now? i mean does anyone even read these posts? if the answer is no, then heck! share away nothing gained, nothing lost. if people do actually read these posts...then i fear you may think less of me. but honestly...i just don't care anymore. i have always been a fan of transparency and authenticity and i feel i haven't been either of those lately. maybe this is why i am struggling. i just feel lost. i feel out of place. i have a love hate relationship with my life. i have always wanted to be a mom and stay home with my kids. i have always had homeschooling in the back of my mind. i have always looked at large families and been in awe. there was always this idealistic notion i had when i looked at them. but maybe i was looking at it from a child's perspective...the idea of having lots of friend and buddies to play with and hang out with. sisters and brothers who i could grow up with loving and having lots in common with. this is bc most large families have a love and passion for Christ. when the duggars came on tv at first i thought, holy crap! that is one big family and they all dress like a bunch of mormons. ewwww...no thanks. but then i watched a few episodes. and i fell in love with them. but back to my struggle. i never really looked at this from a mom's point of view. the laundry, dishes, someone always needing you, never seeming to have time for Jesus, or yourself. when your alone time becomes a trip to the grocery store without kids rather than sitting in a coffee shop reading a magazine. your entire life becomes one nickelodeon episode after another rather than CSI or Law & Order. when cereal for dinner was a legitimate option rather than no option at all bc you have a hard workin man who wants a hot meal and the other two people in your family can't manage to bring a spoon with true liquid to their mouth without making a huge mess. i remember the days where i used to have a job that i loved and even when i was tired and needed a break...i felt like i was ministering to teenagers and maybe, hopefully, possibly making a difference. i remember planning retreats, beach trips, backpacking trips. now the only backpack i carry is one filled with diapers and sippy cups. i know that i am ministering to my small kids, but i don't feel like i know how. how do you share Jesus with a 2 year old? much less a 1 year old? i feel like i have lost my passion. i miss Jesus. I miss my girlfriends from back home. the ones i could cry to and tell that right now, today, at this very moment i don't know what my life is about and i wish i could disappear and none of them would judge me. they would just hug me and say it'll be ok and then we would go get a cup of coffee. that was actually HOT the entire time i sipped it. there are days i long for a big city...going to a movie theater with 24 screens, out to eat, to the mall, etc. now i live in a town with a theater with 4 screens and no theater seating. none of the coffee shops are open past 5pm unless you count mcdonalds as a potential coffee shop. the closest mall is an hour and a half away and i have no money to spend anyways. sorry for the whine fest. i just feel like all that i used to be and all that i used to do...is gone. i don't know who i am anymore it seems. i am not even sure what i like to do. i used to like movies, hanging with girls, the beach. now???? i don't know. i love my husband. i love my kids. but i need a break sometimes. i can't even take a legit bath bc our tub is so shallow that the water won't even cover my body. :( or maybe i am just too fat? probably a combination of the two. *sigh* i need a haircut...usually that solves a lot of my issues. but i don't feel like i can get the haircut i want...so why bother. i look like some overweight trailer park mom. boo hoo! and yet...i love the kisses i get in the morning from my girls. the smiles on their face when i sing to them as they wake up. i love the sense of awe and wonder they have with butterflies, ants, and wind. i love the look on their sweet faces as they pet the cat. i love watching them play nicely together. i love the look they give me when the meat dept lady takes a lobster out of the tank for them to touch, the look that asks "is this ok to touch mom?" i love when i get to laugh with my husband, who for decades i longed for. i love when the Holy Spirit gently reminds me that this is what i longed for...and i am blessed...and to just shhhhh for a minute and enjoy...don't worry about the laundry, the unmade beds, or my exhaustion. back to the duggars...michelle duggar inspires me. she makes time for the Lord, she loves Him more than anything! she is patient and kind and her children are kind and love the Lord as well. she is an example on the earth of what kind of mom and wife i yearn to be whether i have 2 kids or 22 kids (that won't happen....unless i become one of the oldest women to give birth. haha). i truly do feel caught in a whilrwind. but i am encouraged by nahum 1:3 "The LORD is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the LORD hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet." it gives me great comfort that he is slow to anger. that He is not angry at me for being such a slacker about quiet times, but that he wants me to get off my butt and seek him. that he is great in power and has it under control. and that ultimately he will have his way in this whirlwind i call my life. so i suppose as long as He is in control, i will just hang on.

Gosh! am i the worst blogger or what? *sigh* i just don't know if i am just not that into blogging or if i am lazy or if i just have a million other things on my mind and my to do list and i just never quite make it to the blog. but i just looked at a blog that a friend follows called Savvy Little Women. This woman has 6 kids including two sets of twins and she somehow manages to blog. nothing long. nothing overly newsy. just little blurbs here and there with tidbits of wisdom and sharing her insanity. haha. so i figure i need to make a better effort. maybe i should set a reminder on my phone for a once a week sort of blog...start off small and then hope to grow into a more frequent blogging??? i don't know. but for now...a quick update.

summer has been fun for the most part and very full already. we started off our summer with grandiose plans to hit the park every tues. and the library for story time every monday and then a playdate with various friends on either thursday or friday each week...that lasted all of one week. we went to the park and delia just doesn't want to play in the fountains. the bigger kids who are so used to the fountains run and scream and have a blast and i think she is overwhelmed and just doesn't want to get run over. so instead she runs all over the big kid playground and wants to play on the equipment that is really too dangerous for her. the result is zannah winds up sitting on a towel and is left with whoever i came with while i chase delia all over creation. we have to slather on tons of sunscreen and by the time we leave a mere hour or so later everyone is hot, sweaty, and their cheeks are bright red. baths are a must as soon as we finish snack time in order to cool down and get the chemicals off ourselves. i just decided...no more. it was stressful and my poor friends were stuck babysitting zannah. not that she is high maintenance, but that is not what they came to do. the library was a total fiasco! i had very high hopes for mondays as delia loves books. but it was crowded with kids who were mostly school age. mine was practically the youngest one and she had not been to a story time in her life. she didn't want to sit on the round rug bc there were so many kids and no space for her. so she sat on a chair next to me and kept getting down and talking loud. there was a puppet show and at one point she was so into it that she actually fell off the chair onto a kid. she said "sorry" and patted him, but i felt like i was at story time with a fish out of water not the child i see at home every day. the icing on the cake was when she threw the biggest tantrum of her life as we were leaving. she screamed like i was tearing her toenails out all the way out the door, all the way to the car and even up until the car started moving. i decided we aren't doing THAT again! they have a story time during the school year and i am sure it isn't nearly as crowded and hopefully it will be geared towards toddlers rather than preschoolers. so instead, i broke out our little $7 plastic swimming pool, chris cleaned out the car port and we suited up. no need for sunscreen bc there is no sun in our car port. we get a nice breeze through there too (unlike the park!) and delia loves the pool but not as much as our splash monster...zannah! delia's favorite thing is to get in and out of the pool with her water shoes and slosh about the car port. :) it is too rowdy in the pool with zannah anyhow. as of late tho, zannah doesn't splash as much without her big sister in the pool and gets upset that she is alone for the most part in the pool. :( alas. we have been using our bucket of sidewalk chalk, unfortunately we also discovered that when you drop chalk, it breaks and can't be repaired. no matter how many times you tell mommy it is broken.

we are trying to keep on schedule, but with the fun things like VBS and the 4th of July...it has been hard! but our days are packed with errands, swimming, fresh beat and dora. the girls both celebrated their birthdays and they got a ton of fun stuff. so we play in our kitchen and w/out helicopter as well as watching some of our dora dvd's. we had a combo party at the park and just held off opening presents until we got home. we opened one a day for several days and then VBS hit and we paused and just resumed. we have one more bag to go through. i did post a few pics...but i find this blogger not user friendly for photo uploading. grrr. facebook is way easier, so for those of you with facebook...you've seen all the pics...for those of you without...they will be new for you to look at.

sorry i am such a terrible blogger! i will try to be better. hopefully.