grace!

Well, i am 2/3 done with chemo now. this past treatment was managed better by far. im learning to ask what i can do rather than waiting to be told. im gleaning info from other people in the infusion field and other women who are further along in the journey. simple things like starting dulcolax the day before, taking a benadryl the morning of, having diaper rash cream in place before the rash starts. knowing on day three i need to start immodium. all things that help you stay out ahead of the speeding locomotive of chemo. paying attention to what happens each time. misery can be mild, it doesnt have to be excruciating. so many of my friends have come alongside me as i crumple...hangin with my kids, letting me be at their house sick so i dont have to be alone, bringing meals, and just loving on me. if i have learned anything from chemo it is humilty and being able to laugh at our weakness. that grace abounds where there is weakness! a friend texted me today and asked about my soul in the midst of this...how my relationship with jesus is going. oh. in the beginning i buried myself in the hope. i sat for hours in the prayer room. i was feeling ok and just focused. then chemo started and my weak body was attacked. the exhaustion, the nausea, the bowels. then the next round i was literally pumped full of steroids so add to it a shortened fuse, feeling spent as little people just want normalcy. not being able to have privacy in the bathroom. snapping at the people you love most and feeling bad and out of control bc your body has been bombarded by poison that is aimed to help you. it is so frustrating. i echo the words of Paul, i do that which i do not wish to do! and i don't do that which i wish! but grace! to remember that we are but dust. we are frail and fragile. we are weak! God knows we are weak! thats why he provided a way to overcome! Christ is our way! he gave us his strength! he overcame frailty so we could overcome frailty! im thankful for a Savior that loves me abundantly when i lack. he doesnt excuse my weakness...he redeems it and overcomes it. its one of the reasons he is trustworthy. i can lean on him as i go through and come out of this wilderness and know his strength is more than enough to carry my sweet family through this. this body is weak, in many ways i feel held captive...but HIS Spirit within me is so strong and therefore i know that ultimately im free. not only is that grace amazing...it is sufficient. overcoming....one step at a time.

half way to where?

So, three down, three to go. those of you following me on facebook know this. i must confess, it annoys me when people say im half way done. bc im not half done. not even close. i mean, yes...the chemo is half done. and THAT isnt even encouraging. the first round i was just super tired and nauseous in the mornings. the second round i had a huge reaction to taxotere and they gave me a second dose of steroids which resulted in me bleeding for eight days. this wasnt like my period or after i had babies...take those and intensify it by about 100 and add nausea, constipation, hemmoroids, diarrhea and rage. yep. round three we changed up the chemo order, i reacted mildly, but then continued to react for a few days. then i caught some virus that no one else had and was puking, diarrhea, constipation, dehydration, stomach cramps, fluids for three days, and i involuntarily pooped my pants in public. so...what can i expect after round 4? round 5? how about round 6??? so...telling me im half way there is a little terrifying. and half way to where?? zero dignity? oy! also, after chemo is done surgery happens...and THAT my friends is a little scary! but on much happier terrain...we bought a house. on a thursday, after chemo round 3 i came home and chris went to look at yet ANOTHER house. i was tired and he is so picky! so after an 8 hr day at the cancer center, i came home. i got a call as we were finishing dinner. he told me, THIS is THE house. im making an offer tonight. so i loaded up the girls and drove over. even in the exhausted fog of chemo, i agreed, this was our home. we made an offer and found out that there was already an accepted offer that was contingent on the people making the offer selling their home in another state. so, the buyer accepted our offer and by law the first bid had 72 hrs to prove that they could finance the house or withdraw their offer. we got a call on Saturday morning that they withdrew their offer and ours was accepted and we could move forward. we went back to the house to look at it in the daylight and solidify the reality of it. woo hoo! i loved it even more in the non chemo fog! :-) so the bank loan officer doesnt foresee any issues and we are scheduled to close on march 3. which is five days after my fifth round of chemo. oy. this house is perfect! three bedrooms...master, girls' room, playroom. huge living room with a wood burning stove fireplace insert...more heat than a regular fireplace. another area for a home office and my sewing machine. the kitchen is mammoth compared to my kitchen now! counter space galore! sliding glass doors out to a deck and a flat backyard! there is a partially finished basement...the laundry area is in a huge room we will make into the guest room and homeschool room. there is another room for chris...his mancave/jam room. it has been fitted for a stove pipe for a wood burning stove. and there is a rec area with a pool table! chris LOVES pool! oh...and did i mention the chest freezer they are leaving behind? sweet! im a big fan of freezer meals and plan to put several in there for the months to come after surgery and during the months with the expander before final reconstruction. my freezer meal board on pinterest is gonna get wore out!! :-) so as you can see...in the midst of adversity...God is pouring out his goodness on us. in the midst of uncertainty...he is answering the cry of our heart for a home. in the midst of shakey circumstances...he is giving us favor. so...even though im not real certain i am at the half way mark and i dont know what will happen after each of the chemo rounds to come...i know God doesnt change and he is with me every step of the way.