Let's try this again...

ok. i am a horrible blogger. i've often thought my life to be unexciting. we do the same stuff over and over and we enjoy our life, but like, who else cares right? but now life has changed. life isn't just about the pool, the library, and playdates at the park. now we have bigger blips on the radar. now instead of cruising along in life and being a slacker about devos, whining about petty things, and just being lazy...now there is a new sense of urgency in life. i remember back "in the day" i had a sense of urgency every day. but then life happens, you get tired, you slow down, you lose your urgency. days seem longer and you just press to get through them. i've posted on facebook the recent change in my life. i am gonna try to keep a little journal/sharing time in this blog. so i will share how this journey began... a week and a half ago, on nov 3 i was laying in bed reading and i decided to just do a quick breast exam. they say now that you are supposed to do exams laying down rather than in the shower standing up. so i am not like, hey on the 1st of each month i do an exam. in fact i am not really consistent, in fact my life's tagline could be "consistently inconsistent"...i do them when i think of it...usually at night while i am in bed reading and i probably do several a month (bc i can never remember the last time i did one! haha) and then maybe go a month without doing one. like i said, i am not really intentional about it...just whenever i think of it. i am also one of these people who has always struggled bc i have no idea what i am looking for. like, i have two boobs, i don't spend time feeling other boobies, and so i have no idea what a lump, tumor, mass, etc feels like. i'm not sure if i would say i could tell anyone else what to look for even now. here is what i can tell you...you are looking for changes. if you only examine your breasts once a month, you may not know if they are changing. but if you are like me and basically do a quick exam every week or so while you read, then when you feel something different...you go hmmm. and that is what i did, i went, hmmm. that seems different to me. so in typical no holds barred/not easily embarrassed moe fashion i asked chris (my husband for those of you new here)to feel my boob. he looked at me and was like, "is that your come on line?" haha. i laughed and said, seriously...feel this and tell me if you think it feels different. he did and said yes. then felt it again and said he didn't like it and i should call the dr. truth be told, i was at the end of my period and have heard that sometimes boobs change during your period...so i gave it a few days and it didn't change. so i called and the dr said i should come in. in those few days my boob got overly firm, i wouldn't say hard, but it wasn't normal. then the spots started to burn and hurt. i only told a few people. i didn't want to worry anyone. i went to MOPS on wed and hadn't decided if i was gonna share, but then i thought, man it never hurts to have more prayer. so i shared and cried bc there was a part of me that KNEW. i knew it wasn't good and i knew it wasn't "nothing" and i was actually pretty sure i was in for a bad report. i want to encourage you that if you "know" don't let people brush off your knowing. the worst that can happen is that you are wrong and you move on. i saw the dr on fri and was told that she didn't feel any "discernible masses". hmmm...really? bc they are discernible to me. but here is the deal, she doesn't know my boobs. i do. your doctor doesn't know YOUR boobs, you do. if you feel they are different, stand your ground...demand more. i didn't have to demand more of her bc she said i was at the age to start mammograms and scheduled me for one on monday. so on nov 11 i went to get a mammogram...somewhere along the line they didn't get me scheduled. i watched the nurse fax the paperwork that had my appointment on it to radiology on friday. thank God i had my paperwork. another lesson...even if the nurse tells you that if you lose the paper over the weekend, no biggie they should have the copy that was just faxed on hand...be responsible. you aren't in kindergarten. put that paper in your glove box so you won't forget it. and bring it. bc they didn't have a copy and had i just tossed it in my car, or left it on my kitchen counter i would have been in trouble! they asked me to come back and i told them no. i told them i have two small kids and i could come back with them in tow! they said they would fit me in but that i would have to wait. this is your life people! if you have done your part, then stand your ground. if you made the appointment, get seen. i told them i wasn't there for routine visit...i was there bc i was having an issue, and i needed to be seen that day! i sat in the waiting room with my book and was braced for a long morning. i texted people to pray that i get seen sooner than later! less than 15 mins later i got called back. God was on my side. the 9 o'clock didn't show up and they came and got me. she said this never happens. people never miss their mammograms. so to the forgetful lady...thank you, i hope you were able to reschedule and got a clean bill of health. i have heard horror stories about mammograms. but i gotta tell you my mammogram tech, Katie, was amazing. she was sweet. she was kind. she was professional and personable. i wasn't another boob to be scanned. she didn't make me feel uncomfortable about my weight, she was a cute skinny girl! they took all the normal pics and then the radiologist wanted more of the boob with the issues. my heart sank. she showed me the pics and i wasn't really prepared for what i saw. the right side was fine. it was glorious. in fact i thought to myself, wow! my boob looks like that of a goddess! haha. then i saw lefty. two huge white masses. i just felt a heaviness come over me. she left and came back to tell me i needed an ultrasound and walked me over. now, the ultrasound girl, she was so super sweet too! but bc my mind has reeled every time i saw her i can't remember her name at all. not for the life of me. this makes me sad as she was just wonderful too. i need to call and find out her name. she scanned and went to the dr. then told me to get dressed and i went to see dr mitchell, one of the radiologists. the viewing area was dark. i walked in and took a deep breath. he greeted me and then spent 5 mins explaining to me about these masses and couldn't (or wouldn't?) make eye contact, until he was done explaining. he used words like "worrisome", "concerned", "this resembles cancer more than a cyst". then he made eye contact and asked me if he had made himself clear and did i have questions. i looked at him and said, "you basically said you don't know what these masses are without a biopsy, they are sketchy and need to be dealt with." he said yes then explained to me my three biopsy choices. he does the aspirations, but that he didn't want to do that one bc he thought we needed a bigger sample and the dr who does the core biopsy wasn't in that day but that he thought they might be able to see me later in the week. that they send the core off to pathology and usually hear back within a day or two and then my primary would call me and we would go from there. i said ok. his final words to me were "i wish i had better news for you. im sorry." i left and then started to crumble. i deal with these things best alone! but i still had to deal with the ultrasound tech for her to call me. and i began to cry and she just hugged me and asked if i would be ok. and i said yes and left. later that day i called my dr to see if they were gonna call me or if radiology would call to set up the biopsy. the nurse told me that the radiologist who does the core biopsies was on vacation and they were waiting to hear from him. i was like, ok. the next morning i was cleaning my house to keep busy. radiology called me and asked me to come in in a few hours i said ok and got the girls to a play date and went in for blood work and the biopsy. the dr who did the biopsy was very nice and personable. again, i wasn't just another boob. we talked about my kids, my life, etc. his parting words to me were, i'm sorry you are having to go through this and i wish you the very best of luck. i asked the techs if he really was on vacation and did he come in just for my biopsy. they said yes. my heart sank more bc if this weren't serious, they would have had me come in next week when he got back from vacation. they said, his number one priority is patient care. he is all about the patient. im amazed at how tender every single person in the radiology dept was with me. everyone i dealt with knew this was serious. no one tried to sugar coat anything. no one tried to instill fear. i appreciate that. i am not a fan of false hope. in fact it makes me angry! i had one more mammogram and it was my sweet katie girl. she said to me, i have to tell you i feel like it was divine intervention with you yesterday. no one ever doesn't show up for their mammogram. and for the appointment so close to yours to be a no show is a sign that God is looking after you. the care of these people has just been a blessing. the rest of that day was long. i was exhausted. the waiting was brutal. i slept for three hours that night. i woke up the next morning and Zannah was sick. she proceeded to puke several times. at first i thought, gosh! can't i just get a break? but then thought, well at least i will be distracted. so i tended to her and kept busy. i called the dr to let them know i wanted the news, good or bad, over the phone. i just was very up front in that i know that i need to cry in private, i can't listen to any other plan of action after bad news and i am tired of running my kids all over creation and having to blow dry my hair and all that stuff. the nurse was like, ok i'll pass that word along. around 12:30 i got a call from the nurse asking me if i could come in. i said no. again...this is my life. people this is YOUR life. your dr is there to serve you (not as a slave, but as a minister of medicine!)stand your ground! i informed her i had a child who had been barfing all morning and was passed out on the couch, i think this is the one thing that made them NOT make me come in...so thank you Jesus for a sick kid! also, if my husband couldn't be with me (which he couldn't! he was working) then i wanted to be alone. i was adamant. i even said, you are giving me the results by not giving me the results! she said she would have the dr call me. less than five mins later she called. she said, are you sure you want this news over the phone? i said yes, i have a sick kid, im tired, im ready. she told me both masses show cancer and then explained to me this wasn't a death sentence. this journey was just beginning. that they don't know anything else right now. they are sending the tissue off to see if the cancer is estrogen based (which if i understand correctly if it is, then it is a stronger possibility it will spread to your reproductive zones and they may want to take out my ovaries). that i would meet with the one oncologist in town and a surgeon. they would schedule the initial appointments for me. i said ok. so our conversation was over...there were tears shed off and on during it. i called chris and cried. i texted friends, emailed those who had been praying. they called me back with my appointment times. a friend came over with eggnog latte, pumpkin bread, flowers, and hugs. a friend in MOPS was bringing dinner and a gingerbread latte. :) i had people texting me about meals and i told them there would be plenty of opportunities to bring us meals. this was just the beginning. i called my parents. my brother called me. there have been lots of questions about what kind, what stage, did they catch it early? i don't know. in fact, at this point, i know very little concerning the cancer. but what i do know is this: God is good. God is loving. Christ's leadership is trustworthy, he will never send me into a valley he isn't already in. I know that I am forgiven. I know that I am loved by my Savior. I know that we live in a fallen world and all of creation is falling apart, including my body. I know that "winning this battle" isn't physical and that THE ultimate battle, the battle over sin and death, has already been won. I know that the strength that lies within me isn't my own, but the strength of the one on the throne. i'm gonna fight this. i have a lot to live for. life is short and precious. so that is where we are today. all of this started a week and a half ago...to say it has been a whirlwind is an understatement. God seems to deal with me in compressed quick ways. i was single forever and there was only two and a half months btwn the first contact with chris and becoming his wife. i thought it would take a little bit to get pregnant and i got pregnant in an instant and within a year and a half i had two kids. we struggled financially in NC for years and within two weeks we decided to move, packed and came to WY. life is crazy. why would i think this leg of the race would be any different. so, we'll see what's in store. all this for his glory! thanks for running alongside me!