grace!

Well, i am 2/3 done with chemo now. this past treatment was managed better by far. im learning to ask what i can do rather than waiting to be told. im gleaning info from other people in the infusion field and other women who are further along in the journey. simple things like starting dulcolax the day before, taking a benadryl the morning of, having diaper rash cream in place before the rash starts. knowing on day three i need to start immodium. all things that help you stay out ahead of the speeding locomotive of chemo. paying attention to what happens each time. misery can be mild, it doesnt have to be excruciating. so many of my friends have come alongside me as i crumple...hangin with my kids, letting me be at their house sick so i dont have to be alone, bringing meals, and just loving on me. if i have learned anything from chemo it is humilty and being able to laugh at our weakness. that grace abounds where there is weakness! a friend texted me today and asked about my soul in the midst of this...how my relationship with jesus is going. oh. in the beginning i buried myself in the hope. i sat for hours in the prayer room. i was feeling ok and just focused. then chemo started and my weak body was attacked. the exhaustion, the nausea, the bowels. then the next round i was literally pumped full of steroids so add to it a shortened fuse, feeling spent as little people just want normalcy. not being able to have privacy in the bathroom. snapping at the people you love most and feeling bad and out of control bc your body has been bombarded by poison that is aimed to help you. it is so frustrating. i echo the words of Paul, i do that which i do not wish to do! and i don't do that which i wish! but grace! to remember that we are but dust. we are frail and fragile. we are weak! God knows we are weak! thats why he provided a way to overcome! Christ is our way! he gave us his strength! he overcame frailty so we could overcome frailty! im thankful for a Savior that loves me abundantly when i lack. he doesnt excuse my weakness...he redeems it and overcomes it. its one of the reasons he is trustworthy. i can lean on him as i go through and come out of this wilderness and know his strength is more than enough to carry my sweet family through this. this body is weak, in many ways i feel held captive...but HIS Spirit within me is so strong and therefore i know that ultimately im free. not only is that grace amazing...it is sufficient. overcoming....one step at a time.